Being a woman with ADHD

I believe that social conditioning has a lot to answer for. I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, girls were supposed to be quiet and behave. It wasn’t “normal” for a girl to speak up and have opinions. Most certainly not strong ones that they said out loud. 

Something my ex said to me early on in our relationship remains one of the most defining moments of my life. We were discussing something, and he interrupted me with, “Do you have to be SO opinionated?” 

“Well, shit.” I thought. “You just said that like it was a bad thing.” 

I was in my early 20’s. He was 10 years older. I thought the sun and the moon shone clear out of his butt and as soon as he said it, I felt myself shrink. There was the message that being loud, and God forbid, having an opinion, was BAD. Capital letters B-A-D. 

Naturally, this had not been my first experience with this opinion. I had spent my whole life being told I was too much, too loud, too good at sport, too smart, too proud of myself. By boys, while I was at school. And by men, as I became a woman. I had too much to say and I was not scared to say it. I was being fed the message that I shouldn’t be myself. I recall being so confused because I did not understand how you could be anything except yourself. What were you if you were not yourself?  

In high school, I watched the popular girls giggle and flick their hair, laughing at the boys (crappy) jokes. I could not do that. They weren’t funny! Gradually I began to see that in this society, you laugh at boy’s crappy jokes, otherwise you are a bitch. You keep your opinions to yourself unless they’re the same opinion as everyone else. And you most certainly didn’t speak up when you see something happening that’s wrong.  Boys were bewildered by me. I was great at sport, smart as a whip, funny, loud, had great banter and told it how it was. So naturally, that was received by teenage boys as threatening and I was teased and called a boy. 

Right? They took my amazing qualities and tried to appoint them as male traits. Typical. 

But still, as a child and young woman I persevered at this funny notion of being myself. A push against societal expectations. I wanted to be heard and I didn’t care what other people think. I had an amazing family who embraced this and a group of awesome friends who loved me as I was. 

For some reason though, when I was in my early 20’s, hearing that sentence come out of my then boyfriends’ mouth, something in me shrank.  

At that moment I made the mistake that so many women make. I began to try and make myself fit into someone else’s ideals. I was being criticised and instead of pushing back and standing my ground, I folded and felt ashamed. Maybe I WAS too opinionated. Maybe I should tone it down a bit. If I wanted him to stick around, then that looked like the natural conclusion to me. 

Too often women’s answer to being criticised or questioned is to conform. 

Our answer to being told that our behaviour is wrong, is to believe it, and try to change ourselves. 

Never mind that it’s cranky old Aunt Mary who said it, and she says that to everyone. Or your super critical friend who seems to have a problem with anyone who isn’t her. 

For whatever reason you are essentially being told that YOU are WRONG. And when you are told by someone externally that you are wrong, maybe you can brush it off. But if you’re being told that you are wrong over and over, then you start to internalize that. And you notice that other people seem to be able to deal with things better than you. You don’t understand why inside of you feels so uncomfortable and you just assume that there is simply just something wrong with you. 

Traditionally women are underdiagnosed with ADHD because it can present so differently. For me, my hyperactivity is all internal. I can say with complete confidence that if you had asked anyone I know well if I have ADHD they would have categorically said no. Such was my shame about my lack of coping skills, I didn’t externalize any of my problems. I adopted the more socially acceptable explanation of anxiety. What I didn’t express was my suspicions that there was something else wrong too.  

But I was so ashamed that I just decided that I would put up with it, and assume that was the way it was going to be forever. Clearly I was a failure but it was my fault so I didn’t deserve to ask for help.