ADHD and Imposter Syndrome

ACTUAL THOUGHTS MY BRAIN HAD. 

“You can’t have ADHD, you did so well in school.” (Very common and very misguided) 

“But it’s just anxiety.” (Also, quite common. Anxiety is often a comorbid diagnosis with ADHD) 

“You’re too old, sure we would have known by now.” (It’s possible not to.) 

“But you’ve been really successful with work, and owning your own business” (Yup, that’s also possible) 

And my favourite: 

“Ugh, everyone is going to think you’re just copying your son.” (Or was that just me…?) 

 Yes, I thought that, with my own brain. I know now that this is a classic example of Imposter Syndrome. 

Imposter syndrome is a fun one. It has become more widely talked about on social media these days which is great. Anything which increases knowledge and awareness is an awesome thing. The term Imposter Syndrome has been around since 1978. Not only was this the year that the game Space Invaders launched (weird side reference), but it was also the year that clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes coined the term. It is used to describe people who are bloody good at what they do, but they cannot always see that. People with IS (not to be confused with IBS – that is another story. You need to read a different blog for that) often cannot recognize their accomplishments. They spend their life waiting for people to find out they are a fraud. Which they will not, because they are not. They are successful because they have worked hard and made the effort. People who suffer from Imposter Syndrome may feel as though they just lucked their way into success. They may not be able to celebrate success, instead looking to the next thing they need to complete. You may be only able to focus on the one thing that went wrong, instead of ALL the things that went right. You may be dismissive of compliments and praise, feeling you do not deserve it. And you may constantly compare yourself to others. 

Something that ADHD people do that can exacerbate imposter syndrome is hide their struggles. This may be because they have been faced with a shaming rhetoric around their actions or behaviour. Or like me, they expected so much more of themselves that they were embarrassed that such simple things could be so difficult. I had spent my life being successful and I could not wrap my head around not being able to carry out simple tasks. So, we work harder, and longer, because things are more difficult for us to manage. We are getting the results, but at a personal cost. On the outside, we are achieving and kicking goals. Our bosses and coworkers see success, but they are not aware of what it took to get to that point. 

For me, I knew I was getting results because the proof was in the pudding. But I felt so constantly out of control with other areas that I did not trust the success. I was always waiting to be found out. I was so desperate that no one know what it was like inside my head and my body that I teetered on that tightrope with the highest expectations balanced unevenly on my shoulders. All it would take was one breeze of wind, and I would topple over. 

When it came to being diagnosed, I felt as though perhaps I didn’t deserve that diagnosis. I was so mistrustful of myself that I didn’t believe what I was saying about myself was true. While for some people that diagnosis doesn’t feel great, I desperately wanted it. It answered so many questions that I had about myself. But my brain was telling me that I was making these things up about myself – even though I wasn’t. It’s complex and it’s weird and if you’re feeling like this – push through! You ARE worthy and you are not making things up. 

One of the fantastic side effects of me being so open about my diagnosis was that other women started to approach me and talk about their own suspicions about themselves. I know I got the push to get diagnosed when a well-known entertainer, Em Rusciano, that I follow on social media was open about her diagnosis as an adult with ADHD. She was so relatable to me, and it was like this switch went off where suddenly, I realised that I wanted the clarity she had. 

After my diagnosis I was speaking to my beautiful friend K. K and I have spoken before about her suspicions about her own ADHD. She found the courage to admit something important to me. She said, “I feel like by me pursuing my own diagnosis, I am just riding on the coat tails of your diagnosis. I feel like I’m just copying you”. And there it is. That old bastard Imposter Syndrome. K is an amazingly intelligent, accomplished women who at 41 years old, not only is a wonderful single mother, but she is also doing her Bachelor of Education and smashing it. She has nothing to gain from pretending to have ADHD. But such is the pain and shame we carry around; we don’t think we are worthy of pursuing a diagnosis, even though we KNOW something is terribly wrong.  

I could truly empathise with K’s admission. As I mentioned earlier, when that well known entertainer announced her own diagnosis it did push me to get mine. But I also had the following thoughts: 

“People who follow her will think I’m copying her.” 

“People are going to think I’m trying to be part of the ADHD gang.” 

Yes. Those actual thoughts went through my actual head. On repeat. In several other forms, too. In my mind, these “people” would judge me and think I was pretending. I can only put it down to a deep sense of not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy and this feeling that even though it worked for them – it wouldn’t work for me. I could totally understand why K had said what she had said. This shows me the incredible power of communication. And how brave people are to speak up. Imagine if K hadn’t felt able to discuss that with me. Imagine if she had spoken to someone else about her thoughts and they had confirmed her fears. Made her think that she wasn’t valid? That would just be a damn shame. Imposter Syndrome can be really damaging and hold you back from pursuing something that is going to help you. 

I confidently wrote around 20,000 words of my book about my ADHD experience before I had an official diagnosis. And then, post diagnosis, this was what my brain was trying to tell me: 

“Why are you writing this book? What’s the point? You’re not an expert!” 

And this is what I tell my brain right back: That’s right. I am not an ADHD expert. I am however stuffing my head full of as much knowledge as I can about ADHD so I can learn about myself. Then I can share that information in this book, and people who related to it can read it. I believe that is a term called “research”. See, if I listened to my brain, I would stop right now. I would let the Imposter Syndrome take over and stop me from achieving something that not only I really want to, but I have been enjoying doing and finding incredibly cathartic. 

This is when I must look at my why. Many life coaches, motivational speakers, coaches and the like will tell you that the single most important tool for success comes from finding your why. Your “why” can also be described as finding your passion. I believe it also means to find your passion and to understand why you want to do it. It can be a unique driver to push you to achieve something extraordinary. My “why” is to tell my story in the hope that by sharing my experiences, I help one other woman. Just one. Of course, I would love to help more, but that one woman is just as important to me as tons of women. And who is the expert in telling MY story? Me! 

I have unique things to say. Some of them may resonate with you and some of them may not. Just like in a job role you can be fantastic at some things and struggle with others. But that doesn’t stop you from doing the job. And I am not going to let it stop me from writing this book.  

I feel like that turned in to a therapy session for me and I can tell you, I aint mad about it.